Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Lisa's LiveJournal:

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Friday, November 8th, 2002
1:13 pm	Same ol drama, drama Well, again its been like three years since I've written here but the only times I get online is at my moms work, so here goes. The new job is going well. I hate the fact that since I work in my hometown, I see people from high school all the time! I've always disliked this b/c I'm always afraid they'll think, "Oh, thats all she's been doing since high school" or that they'll see how much weight I've gained since high school and think I'm a fat slob. Anyhoo, so I usually crouch down and pretend I'm doing something behind the counter... This past week has been a bit hard. On some level I'm really happy and proud of someone and their accomplishments. They've made a pretty big decision and their life is now going to change b/c of it. However, I feel like I'm at the same point in my life that I always seem to be where another friendship hits a dead end or some turmoil and doesn't know how to recover. Its typical really. The best I can do is review what happened and evaluate how I reacted or didn't react and learn from it. I guess thats all I can do. I won't make apologies for who I am, but I can admit my faults when they appear. Anyhoo....now I'm on my way to the ol country to visit my aunt, Gram, and cuz while they (everyone but gram ofcourse) are throwing an "adult toy" party. Yeah, you can only imagine what that means. But I'm curiuos and besides I gotta represent, right? Ha. Hey, you never know, they could make great X-mas presents.... ...KIDDING! *wink* Well, I'm off. Then another full week of work next week but I'm paying off bills and people I borrowed from and so I feel better about that anyhoo. I just gotta get on the ball with the professional job search. And hopefully make another trip to Oz soon to visit some peeps that I had to run out on so fast last visit. Hope everyone has a good weekend....and hopefully the weather'll hold up nicely! Peace Current Mood: melancholy (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 24th, 2002
2:58 pm	I get by with alittle help from my friends... Well, even tho we're approaching the weekend...I still haven't had a chance to relect on this past weekend. I went to Oz to visit some people. I really had a great time and I hope everybody knows that. I got to spend time with my old roomie....some brothers from APO...some peer eds I've missed tremendously...and others. It was nice. Almost like I belonged there again...being around the college life and atmosphere. But, honestly, I'm not sure I"d like to be back in that whole scene again. My four years of college were great...but it wasn't always fun and games, ya know? There was so much more, too! I saw the traditional "peer ed car-wash" and hung there, along with supporting some friends in their choir concert...WHICH THEY ROCKED THE HOUSE ON!!! I also saw a movie with a friend that I'm still in the process of thinking up how to KILL HIM FOR IT!!!! "The Ring" was very scary and I'm still surprised that it was only rated PG-13. I haven't been that scared in a VERY LONG TIME and later that night I had the strangest dream too....not so much related to the movie...just wierd. However, theres on part in the dream that I haven't shared with a certain individual and its kinda been at the back of my mind. Not that any of it was true...but still...I can't help but think about it. Well, with that aside, I really miss those Oz friends already and I hope soon I'll be able to make another trip back up there! Thanks everybody for making my return such a great welcome. It truly was a great weekend! (one I really needed) Current Mood: glued to the tv (Comment on this)
2:36 pm	Fun little thing... Name Four Bad Habits You Have: 1. biting nails 2. snort with my stuffy nose (aka flem) 3. don't stand up straight (bad posture) 4. not being able to say no Name Four Things That You Wish You Had: 1. MONEY $$$ 2. a boyfriend (or sex slave, I'll settle for either) 3. thin, beautiful bod (to shake like Shakira..hehe) 4. oh and $$$ Name Four Scents You Love: 1. Gas (not from the ass....gas station!!!!) 2. scent from my grandpa's "soap on a rope" he had before he died 3. Victoria Secret perfume 4. Cooked Califlower (my newest fascination) Name Four People That Know You the Best: 1. My cuz, Alissa 2. My mom 3. Friend from Oz 4. Myself? Name Four Things You Are Thinking About Now: 1. MONEY $$$$ 2. whats ganna happen next with soap opera...oohhh...ahhh 3. halloween costume for sunday par-tay 4. oh and $$$$ Name Four People You Would Like To Spend More Time With: 1. My cuz...I MISS HER 2. Friends from Oz 3. Possible boy toy 4. friend I grew up with thats hot and so nice!!! (I miss em) Name Four Bands/Groups Most People Don't Know You Like: 1. Lil' Kim 2. BareNaked Ladies 3. Hip hop in general 4. Sarah Maclaughlin *Now you know alittle somethin somethin :-) Current Mood: passing time by (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 17th, 2002
3:48 pm	Pet Pieve...(if thats how you spell it...???) Sorry, there was one other thing I wanted to jot down before I left the internet world. Just something on my mind that I gotta let out... One of the things that gets me the most....is conversations with people. I'm one of those people who, when you're talking to me...I try to look you in the eye and direct all my attention to you. Now, sometimes theres distractions or other people around...but god shoot me down if I don't try my darndest to keep my attention focused on the person talking. Is it too much to ask that same courtesy back? Is it? I hate when I'm talking to someone and their eyes wander, especially if you're expressing your deepest feelings or secrets. I also extend this pet pieve to the phone. I hate.....let me repeat that...I HATE IT...when people are talking to you on the phone and somebody in the background interupts or they interfere and the person you're talking to averts their attention to them instead of the one they're talking to ON THE FREAKIN PHONE!!! Now, I can understand if you do it once...or possibly twice....but NOT A MILLION FUCKING TIMES!!!!! (sorry..it just gets to me) And along with that....everytime I talk to a certain individual...I always ask about their day...especially when I know they're going through a tough time. Even if their day is pointless and lame...I listen, b/c I'm a friend and thats what friends do. But everytime...AND I MEAN EVERY TIME...when it comes to me describing my day or my problems...their attention is diverted again and they either have their cell phone ringing...they're typing online...or someone is talking to them in the background. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and I mean...UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know I should be used to it from certain people. But it still doesn't mean it doesn't suck everytime it happens. Okay...I've said it. Thanks for letting me get that out there LJ! Current Mood: frustrated mixed w/ annoyed (Comment on this)
3:28 pm	Finally....a job! Yup, now this isn't something with a 401K, mind you, but it will pay off some bills. Wondering what job it could possibly be? CUSTOMER SERVICE AT THE MALL!!!!!!! Yeah, its pretty much the same thing I was doing at Great Northern, but this ones better and out of all the malls included under the one management, this one does the most bussiness, so needless to say the holidays are going to be quite busy! But I'm happy I have at least something and it'll be some nights, so that'll give me time to do interviews when the time comes. The job search has started with numerous positions in process for cover letters, as we speak. I don't mind this whole "process", its just I HATE INTERVIEWS!!! Even the ones for the mall I hated. I get so nervous, but I guess the whole key is "confidence" right? Well, I better be off. I don't start the mall job for another few days so I hope to make a visit to Oz. I must be honest by saying I'm skeptic about going up. Theres alot of people I'd like to visit with...I just hope they welcome my in. ???? Checking out Current Mood: watching soaps (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 9th, 2002
9:05 am	A SPECIAL WISH FOR TWO FINE BOYS Just wanted to wish Nate and Ben a very happy, happy today. I know I'm not there and have been quite absent as far as keeping in touch but know that you're in my thoughts and I hope this years brings you much joy, love, and success. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love and Miss! Current Mood: happy, happy birthday Current Music: *happy birthday to you....* (1 Comment |Comment on this)
8:45 am	Tired.... Yeah, today was the second day I've volunteered to drive my mother to work. Her car my bro has cause HIS car is in the shop. Seeing how I wanted the luxury of being able to leave the house whenever I wanted to...I vowed to drive my mom to work instead of just giving her the car to use. But this 7:30am stuff is kinda taking a tole. ------------------------ Well today is my last day left on getting things situated from moving in. I'm quite confident that it'll work out. I only have some boxes left but they're mostly dry food from apt that was left over and misc bills that have accumulated. Moms helping me deal with some of the creditors. Just trying to get my feet back on safe ground. However I'm in the pursuit of a job and found a nice bagel place hiring...hopefully I'll have time today to do more surfing for jobs...maybe even scope the mall. (hey, there may be a mall job in store for me yet...altho I don't think there is young cute guys like the other mall had to offer...at our mall here...theres only overweight 40-year-olds) Peace out brotha's! PS My mom yesterday on the work ride home was gripping the side of the car (as she often does when she thinks we're going to hit impact or something) and I told her to use the "Oh shit" handle...and she thought that was the funniest thing. (apperently she had never heard of it referred to as that before) See, you can always learn something new! :-) Current Mood: sleep weepy (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 8th, 2002
9:20 am	Getting things in place So I was just recently telling a friend how I have a "due date" for when all my clothes and fixins need to be in place over here at home. Tomorrow (wed) is that date. But I feel confident in my work habits. (even tho I'm sitting over a computer in my moms office writing Live Journal posts) HA Well, trying to keep ties going with surrounds friends. I really do hope to make a trip back to Oz to visit all my furry friends (e.g. Sugar Mama, Cyclops, Corn Cobber, M2, center peeps, etc.) Hope everyones well. I had a good weekend. I am ganna sign off soon....cause I'm siting in my moms office in horrid black, casual pants...in a huge sweatshirt, no contacts and braless. Nice, huh? See ya! Current Mood: feeling dirrr-ty (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, October 4th, 2002
3:19 pm	From beyond the shadows....comes a light Yeah, that would be me. Some of you I've chatted with recently and others...well I'm sorry I've become a bit of a myth as far as existence goes. But I do have news to update on and hopefully I will be more present in times to come. So here goes: Well, I've moved home. Where is home you ask? Ra-cha-cha. (if you don't know what that is...GET A CLUE!) The job fell through, i guess is a nice way to put it. As much as I wanted to make money...I was losing it. Soon the bills piled up and I was left with my pants around my ankles, so to speak. I had to get fast, but I had too much pride. My parents realized my struggle and suggested I save some money and move back home. As much as that sounded, I knew I had to. So here I am...home...living with my parents again. I moved out of my syracuse apt. and left the friends I had formed for over 3 months at about 70hrs a week. They grew to be my family...but no matter how much support I got from them or motivation...it wasn't enough to feed me each night, so I left. Now I'm in the wonderful process of finding another job...first something right off the bat to have come type of income coming in for my new car (Ford Focus '01) and pay off some things. But its getting to that point where you have to fess up and admit to yourself its not working out. And it wasn't. Now I can sleep in (for the time being anyhow) and eat wholesome meals, instead of a snack on the go...and possibly and hopefully get my life back into some order. My parents have been so supportive, which was a major fear with me. I let them down...broke their trust...and that kills me. But I will repay them and rebuild what I've broken down. Now, other than looking around for a job, its about keeping in contact with those I've neglected before or just left. Possibly maybe forming relationships...new relationships. Who knows...I'm keeping my options open. Well, time to surf the net for jobs.... PEACE P.S. Please write back or e-mail me to give me your latest contact info. (even if you think I already have it) Current Mood: coughing.....*sniffle* (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, August 16th, 2002
3:03 pm	Where the hell have I been? Well, shit, where to start? I know most of you are probably wondering, "WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GO?", because....ideally...its true. So I'm ganna do a bit of re-capping so that most of you don't think I've totally fell off the face of the earth, so here goes. Over a month ago, I went on 2 interviews with an Advertising/Marketing agency in Syracuse and GOT THE JOB. (thank you to those who voiced their congratulations...thanks!!!) Pretty much I'd drive 45mins to work and start around 9am so I can finish my day around 9:30pm. So, yeah, its long hours. But the crazy thing is...I LOVE MY JOB. I really do. I know it must sound like madness when you work over 12hrs a day on commission. Yeah, its commission. Right now we're working on a D.A.R.E. campaign to rebuild the trust of communities as far as DARES image. Last year they had bad press about the effectiveness of the program so they're making it more effective. Anyways....so I go around to different areas in Syracuse and Utica and talk to people about the program and raise money so that these new programs can get underway. I've met all sorts of people...all kinds...but thats just another part of the job I love. I've gone on two road trips to Rochester and Buffalo to work in their offices out there. I'm also pushing for a promotion (the advancement here is unbelievable) and have made a move to Syracuse. Yes, I packed my stuff (or at least most of it) and moved into an apt in Syracuse with two other females I work with. The place is huge and the rent is wicked cheap. However, because I've had like no time....everything is still in boxes, along with extra stuff still being stored at M2's. (Please refer to the "secured" journal that has my address to be reached at) Because I don't have a phone now...and getting online is close to NEVER...I am posting my address to those viewers on Live Journal. I am in the process of getting a cell phone, that way people can reach me at any time. I'm sorry I haven't contacted or written or called many of you but things have been happening so fast...I didn't have time to react. Now, thats not all. The biggest thing of all is yet to happen. I'm moving, yet again, to another location to help five other co-workers open an office. Now our company opens offices wheres theres a market and usually in a big city. Originally it was goign to be somewhere in the Carolina's. Now, they want us to open an office alittle closer in case we need people sent down from other offices to help out. Now the two choices are Ohio and Pennsylvania. I'll find out soon which area it'll be in and what city. I'm sure some of you are caught off guard. I know reading this now you'll probably all think I belong to a cult, but its so not that way. This job is the first (and now the last) job that I look forward to each morning. That I wake up excited to work the day and work with the people in our office. I look forward to the future and travel and making more bussiness partners. I know...ITS CRAZY...but its a chance I have to take. Last weekend I sat my mom down at dinner and told her about moving outta state. She was suprisingly good about it. She said it was my choice. I am old enough now to do and go where I please. And its true. This is a major choice...and altho I am afraid.....and nervous....I'M WAY EXCITED..and know if I pass this off...I'll always regret it. Its funny, everyday we go over our goals in the morning at work, b/c it keeps us motivated and adds to our positive environment, and I always say my goal is to become financially independent and give everything back to my parents, with all they've done for me...financially and supportingly. I want them to travel and have cars and other luxury's that they've only dreamed of. Well, I've definately taken way long explaining all this but I wanted to. I had already talked with one friend that was disapointed and saddened that I left without even saying goodbye or letting people know where I could be reached. And I apologize ten fold for that. Please know I never meant to leave anyone in the dark about it. However, now....I have no access to a phone or internet. The only way I'm writing this now is through my mothers internet at work and I'm only home now so I can do doctors appts in this area, seeing how I work 6 days a week, its difficult to get around. So, with that all being said. As soon as I get a cell phone or find out the location of my relocation...I will let you all know...I PROMISE. Please have alittle faith. Besides, how can I turn my back on some of the strongest, gentlest, committed people I've known these past four years...especially? Okay, so that is all. I have tried to update myself as best I can with the latest of my life. Oh...and I almost forgot. I WORK WITH THE HOTTEST OF MEN! (sorry...but I'm sure some of you will enjoy that) It almost beats the mall job! Thanks for listening guys...toodles! Current Mood: trying to update journal (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 15th, 2002
11:33 pm	MISSING IN ACTION: Yeah, thats me. Sorry everyone. Its been at least a week or so since I've even attempted to write a journal entry. I guess I'll write the short, short version of everthing, cause its late and I have another workday ahead of me. I GOT A JOB! Yup, one in S-cuse and its with an advertising agency that also deals with PR. I'm happy there. After a gruleing 12hr interview day...I found out I got the job. Since then I've had to leave my mall job (ahh..no more security guys) and also put aside much of my free time. Okay...take that back...ALL OF MY FREE TIME. But I love my job. Before I truly start work at Noon....I get there around 9am and "JUICE" up with everyone. We get motivated for 2hrs...congratualte each other and work as a team. What other job does that? Every compnay should involve some "motivating" time. It really helps and everyday I walk out of there comfortable with myself and knowing I accomplished one hell of a day! I work with great people. Hell, my boss just turned 23 and makes 100 thou. Nice huh? Granted I don't have free time and after working 6 12-hr days in a row...I don't feel like much else but a pillow and a nice bath. But I like my job and I guess that has something to say for it...right? I just got back from a buffalo trip last week for three days overnite. The great part is I can travel, all expense paid. Next trip is July 28th to Phili. Thats if I get promoted in time. yeah, forgot to mention that...you excel so fast here. In 2-6 weeks you can become a "leader" and get more responsiblity....money...and work yourself up the ladder of success. I'm on my way. I just started last monday but I'm hoping to get in before that convention so I can go. Then in two months theres a trip to the Bahamas...all the managers go adn if you become a manager in that time...you go for free. I know I won't make it that fast cause going from leader to manager takes the longest....about 2-6months. But we'll see. One last note, I'm sorry for those family and friends who don't hear or see me much anymore. But just realize that I haven't forgotten about you. Its just rough now with this job but I'll see you on sundays and grab ya anytime I can. I"m not personally trying to avoid you...just money calls. TAke care....not sure when I'll have access to computer cause everynight I'm so tired when i get home all I can think about is food and sleep and bathing. (not a nice picture when you throw them all together....ha) Just bear with me people. A Bientot Current Mood: tired, dirty, blistery & tired (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 2nd, 2002
7:51 pm	So much to write...but so much sweat on my keyboard causing my fingers to slide Yes, it is hot. Very hot! VERY FUCKING HOT! Okay, with that out of the way, I haven't written since saturday afternoon in which so much has occured. So for your sakes...AND MINE...I'm merely going to touch on just a few. *Saturday was what I needed to soothe my soul. Bike riding at Onondaga park was great. I treated myself to Red Lobster afterwards...by myself. But I didn't mind. I had a great dinner and enjoyed a glass of wine. Then I went to Carousel to parade around and try to lose whatever mass I just put on in dinner. Then I was completely tired at home...and passed out in an air conditioned bed....hhmmmm *Sunday was "be the laziest you can" game and I WON! I merely watched tv all day (but let me tell you sundays are the worst for tv cause of those damn infomercials!!!) *Work monday. Finally saw security boy. Apperently he's not dead like I had thought or transferred. There was a concert at the mall...some up and coming little rap star...yeah...NOT FUN. They said the next day about 2,000 little girls screaming while he was here. (I'm sure they won't do that shit again) Got my hair re-redded cause it was already coming out. However with a job interview coming up...the red is a bit...VIBRANT!!! *Tuesday I finally called the place I was interviewed and lost at for hours....they kinda wondered who the hell I was and I felt like saying "Um, you called me and asked for another interview"...geezum. Then I had to work out a problem, cause come to find out...my all day interview is 11am-8pm...WHAT IS THAT HORSE SHIT? Apperently I'm eating with them and visiting clients and such. They told me to look professional....do you think halter top and leather pants are suitable? I'm nervous. I can't imagaine spending 9hrs with people I don't know and then expecting a job from it afterwards. GOD HELP ME! I'm ganna leave like 9am for my 11am interview so I can get there in time...how sad is that? I was supposed to work tomorrow but luckily they covered me and that way I work 9hrs on the 4th (how nice eh?) and then off friday, saturday, and sunday. My biggest fear...is what if after this 9hr interview they want me to start next week and I'm already still on scheudle at mall? I don't wanna leave them in the dust. We hardly have anyone working there as is...plus they've been so helpful and leniant with all this interview stuff. But then again, how am I going to feel coming home tomorrow and I DON'T HAVE THE JOB? Well thats pretty much it. Oh and yeah...I think Corky is about to kill over. I have to keep him alive till the 4th when I pick m2 up. What I'm scared about there? Is that he's ganna see I dropped his remote on his hardwood floors and its not kinda...bent. Secondly he's ganan see like the million miles I put on his car cause I used it for two syracuse interviews and that one day trip to Onondaga park. I just really needed the air conditioning cause my car has shit and otherwise I would have died and I'll tesify to that too!!! I'm off to dinner where I can sweat right into my milk...hmmm...yum! Think of me.... Current Mood: eyes are dry!!!! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 29th, 2002
1:44 pm	Mrs. McNeil Yeah, um, thats what a telemarketer just said to me over the phone...I kinda wanted to say "um, my husband is gay", but oh well. She was selling some shit...who knows. Well, I'm just about off kids. I have a sandwich yet to pack and then I'm gone. Hopefully the people at the gas station will show me how to fill air in a bicycle tire....I'M SUCH A LOSER!!! I'm excited to go to the park, I just don't wanna get lost of puncture my tire or something dumbass like that. Catch ya all later, hopefully with a tan a few more leg muscles. SEE YA Current Mood: making sandwhiches (Comment on this)
3:20 am	Addressing the issue... THIS JOURNAL ENTRY IS MEANT FOR A PARTICULAR INDIVIDUAL...IF YOU ARE NOT THE PERSON IN QUESTION THEN PLEASE PASS OVER THIS AS IT IS NOT OF YOUR BUSSINESS NOR SOMETHING YOU'LL UNDERSTAND ----------------------- I don't like to have to do this here...but I guess if I don't answer and have you understand..or at least hear me out...then neither one of us will ever know then...huh? So here goes: ('ve written/jotted some of the things down you wrote..so I would cover most of it) -You mentioned a "wake-up" call. Believe me, I had one. I had a few that year. One was that my "behavior" as far as a social life was getting a bit outta hand. Granted, some of it was b/c of the people or group I hung out with...but mostly cause of my own choices. Nobody dragged me out each and every night...whether I went out cause I felt obligated or didn't want to miss something...or cause I just wanted to have some fun and party it on up. Now I'm not saying that "partying" should be forbidden or outlawed. I'm merely saying going out almost every night of the weak caught up to me...physically..financially...and emotionally. If theres one thing I can give my ex credit for...was that he made me take a step back and see that. That maybe I didn't need to go out EVERY NIGHT or....that there were other ways to enjoy myself and the company around me. And yes eventually, the fear I had of you not accepting that choice became a reality when everybody assumed I thought their behavior to be unappropriate. Yet it just wasn't for me as much anymore. I didn't think I was divine and I didn't forget what I'd done in the past either. However, the motive he had in mine was sheltering me from EVERYONE and thats what eventually happened. The second wake up call was that I needed to get outta that situation. I needed to realize I was better than what "he" was making me think I was. It was unhealthy and the day it finally clicked was that "wake up" call you refer to. -The point about disrespecting you....I know in a way I did. By sheltering myself...by avoiding and almost acting as if my ex and I were in a "secret club" where no one else was allowed. And it felt like that. I won't lie about it. But when you refer to the "letter" and stuff like that...I had reason and I'm sorry you don't agree with that. I'm not asking you to agree....b/c I'm sure you've heard mostly one side of it. I'm tired of trying to accept friendships from people when its only one sided...one person making sacrifices...when the other always takes and takes. I finally told this person what everyone else wouldn't say. She got a bit of reality....and I'm sorry it came out like it did, but I don't regret it. -I haven't "discarded" our friendship. Obviously if I sent you an invite or said hello to you at graduation....I thought at that point we still had a friendship. I know we've hit bumps...cause we've certinaly hit them in the past...but I didn't think it was COMPLETELY and UTTERELY over...as you've made it clear it has. I do try and stick things out with people..especially on old friendships like ours...but I can't exactly explain why it all happened. (refer to later answers for more on that) -The big question: Why did you stop communicating" Gee, where to start. I'm not sure what point you're referring to so I'll just take it from every angle I can. First, as I explained a bit already...I was somehow convinced that all my friends at that time were bad influences. Even tho nobody truly slapped handcuffs on my wrists and pushed me out all the time...but peer pressure had at least some reasoning behind it. I know its wrong...and I know I was weak. Weak enough that somebody could say these things and that I'd believe them. That some of those friendships were years and years old with such history behind it...yet somebody who had only been in my life a brief few months could convince me of that. And sooner or later...I was alone. And when he was busy...what was I to do with my life or my time? Granted I did make some friends through knowing "him" and some I still talk to...but were they really people I could hang with 24/7 if I had to? Maybe...maybe not. I did meet some great people and I don't regret that. But I do regret throwing in that towel. I truly do. As far as talking after the fact...honestly...I was ashamed and scared. Mostly cause I wasn't sure how you'd react...or "take me back in" so to speak. If you were even goign to acknologe me at all...and as you had every right not to. My roommate (at the time) eventually did...after we talked and she layed things on the line. Concerns she had...things she wanted me to know. I understood some of them...not agreed with all of them...but at least listened to her. At times her and I didn't see eye to eye on things. Theres things I don't exactly approve or like that she says...and the way she treated me on some issues I still have hard feelings over. But this isn't about her and I. I'm just merely commenting on that particular issue. But its true. I wasn't sure how to step back in...and gradually gain that trust or friendship back. -As far as me "showing up" outta the blue....well...I'm sorry if you've been misinformed with that. I never just "showed up" unannounced or unninvited. Each and everytime one of your housemates invited me. And since her and I had talked more...she did it more. I'm not sure if she sincerely wanted to hang out with me or maybe thought if I was around more that maybe the other friendships in the house would be addressed too...I'm not sure. But I never showed up thinking I'd be welcomed...and believe me I was scared to death everytime I did come over thinking that somebody would wonder why in gods name would I show my face there. But you know me. I'm not one to burst into a room and expect all the attention on me. I'm not that strong or persistant. -And now the final issue...regaining our friendship back. Again, I guess I never really grasped the idea is was truly over. Yes, there are things I've done that are not "friendship worthy"...but if you've looked back into our history...theres things both of us have equally done that were hurtful to the other person. Every friendship has them. Some more than others. I don't know where this reply will lead us. I guess I really don't hold those cards do I? But at least now you have a sense of what was going on in this head...and after all this....I certainly know whats going on in yours. I'm not happy this came out publicly...but I think it finally had to be spoken of. And most people that read this won't understand...cause they weren't around then or they don't undestand the details...but they don't need to. This is really just for you and I. I know this may be a dollar and a day short (not sure if thats exactly the phrase or not???) but I'm sorry. I am truly sorry. I'm sorry I jeopardized our friendship and I'm sorry I believed it was worth throwing away for. I had apologized to some...but apperently not all. Sadly, this apology is a bit late but hopefully you won't think its not as sincere as the others. Take what you want of this. I just don't want to have to read anymore replies like I had a few days ago. Truthfully it hurt to read it and I erased it b/c it wasn't everybody's bussiness and b/c I was saddened over it. I don't mind people reading my journal. In fact, sometimes its the only way for them to truly know whats going on in my life or what I'm thinking...but I hope you won't use it as a place to belittle or curse me in. I've always accepted comments, but not always liked them. Good luck with your future projects...one including your proposal. Hopefully you could tell by the card I sent you...that I was truly happy for you both. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 28th, 2002
8:03 pm	R & R (no does not mean romance & responsibility month) Yeah, so today was the day from hell....AND BEYOND! Its the second time I've seen "him" (referring to seeing my ex out at Kareoke last night) and then horrid things happen to me within the next 24hrs......here let me explain.... Today was my interview with a Marketing/Adertising/Public Relations firm and I was so excited cause even tho I may not work in health field...this is still what I wanna do (work with teams, well known bussiness's and entertainment). I even had a great suit picked out (thats new). Well, this morning didn't happen like I had hoped.... *First I wake up late. I swear some alien or ghost force comes in and switches my alarm over. I remember doing it...I even put a piece of tape over it now to make sure it stays in place, however that was taken off and put in a place I hadn't even been near???? So that threw me. I was running around...sweating...trying to call the PR place to set up interview time...talk to other work to let them know...while its almost 9:30am and I'm still not dressed....not showered....haven't eaten...and I'm already late leaving the house cause it takes almost 40mins to get there!!!! *I should have known that when I tore my stocking in the butt...or that I was screaming uncontrollably and crying out of my sockets...trying to then call work..AGAIN...telling them I was freaking out and letting them know I'd be late. They were understanding which was something I really needed. I knew the day was ganan suck. *Get to work only to have to leave in an hour for my interview in Syracuse. I had directions, but I knew I was going to get lost..(and I did)..and who knew how long it take. Luckily I was taking M2's car for the air conditioning...otherwise it would have been 10times worse!!! *The button on my blouse kept popping open...right in the middle too. Was it cause of my big breats...didn't fit....WHAT? I didn't have a safety pin either...so I had to hope it didn't bust open while in the interview. *So I leave, alittle more calmed down, thinking I've got directions,I'll be ok. NOT!!!!!! I was doing fine until suddenly I was lost. I must have stopped 5 times and I was "so close" to where I was supposed to be but everytime someone said something different to me or didn't even know where the place was I was mentioning. LUCKY ME EH? By this time I'm at least a 1/2 hour late for appt. (luckily, too, it didn't cut against me) I called the place from a gas station saying how everyone told me something different and how I'm supposedly close to where they are...but just not close enough. I told her over the phone where I was and she said I was practically one street from them. Needless to say I finally pulled up. *Then they wanted me to fill out an application. Which sucks cause they really didn't need my resume and I felt like it was a two-bit job at that point. However hearing the receptionist over the phone making more appts for interviews, she said it was 40hrs a week, full time, traveling included, and $400 approx a week. Well those were enough reasons for me. Then they asked things about my license number and ofcourse I had m2's car so I had no idea. (altho I've had my car for four years...you'd think I'd know it by now) *I get into interview finally by a guy who looks about 12years old (not sure if it was his office or just one they use for interviews to scare people). He spoke a million words per minute and I kept having him repeat things in ENGLISH cause I couldn't understand him! He asked how I'd feel bout making more $ than I am now (um...yeah...wouldn't I?) and if I was looking for long-term work here (sure...anything to get me the job, ha) and where I saw myself in 5years (um..hopefully employed???). So I thought it was sucky. It took me over an hour to drive there and the interview was like 10mins! He said after today he'd confer with other people and if they like they'd call me and set up another interview to meet the other bosses and have a full day (8hr) interview that included going over to clients places...lunch...and so on. (glad I went to etiquette dinner!!) However I knew my chances were slim cause I probably looked like a nervous wreck at that point! They said they'd call b/w 5pm-6pm to let me know if I was accepted into second week interviews. *5-6pm came...no call at work. I went home...accepting the inevitable. Looked at mailbox, saw letter from a place I applied to expecting it to say...THEY HATED ME..but it merely said they received my resume and will be in contact with me once they start to go over them all. (so not necessarily bad then) *Answering machine message, the guy from the Advertising place called. (GULP) He said they wanted to go further with me into next weeks interviews. (was he drunk?) I had to call that night to set up appt. (however person there didn't know about times and merely took my name) Now i'm nervous cause I really don't have a day next week to totally take off for that interview. I have off friday but who knows after holiday if people have off there. Plus both supervisors and another boss in the mall office is gone..leaving one person...I can't possible take off another day, right? They've been so sympathetic and encouraging and willing through all this. I'm very thankful for that! And thats about it kids. I'm tired. I haven't even eaten dinner yet. I have to pick up insulin in town and then this weekend I've decided to chill....WITH MYSELF. I think I'm heading over to Onondaga park by the water...take M2's car and heave my bike into the back tomorrow afternoon. I'll get some sun...some exercise and reflect on things. I think, altho friends are great to have around at these moments, but sometimes you gotta take alittle R & R for yourself. Maybe a bubble bath...video....icecream...walk with the dog...who knows. Thanks for hearing about this incredibly horrid day. Needless to say...with everything that went on...I'm alive. (by a slim margin tho) I just hate days like this....ya know? Current Mood: tired and pooped (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 26th, 2002
1:05 am	Change of plans... Well, originally I had an idea of what my journal was going to be like tonite...but now...that has totally changed. Tonite I've read a quite disturbing journal that doesn't sit well in my stomach. I'm filled with a variety of emotions....anger...hurt...frustration....regret. But instead of "bashing" and doing the same thing this person did...I'm going to address it how I want to...seeing how this is MY JOURNAL and I will never apologize for whats in it. -------------------- Two years ago, approaching my junior year, I fell in love with someone over summer vacation. I had just gotten out of another relationship that hurt badly b/c they cheated and lied to me. It was my first love...and the first one I gave myself to fully. I know some of the people in my life back then didn't understand b/c they had already been in love or given themselves physically before. Somehow they couldn't understand that it was my first time and to be understanding about it. With the two serious relationships I had in college...I admit...and have admitted continuously till I was blue in the face, how irresponsible and foolish some of my choices were. If people don't hear those apologees, then I can't act accountable for that. Either your ignorance is blinding you, or you're too caught up in other things to notice. I know that I've put love before friendships....but I've also put friendships before love. If I were to live 80years of my life without making a mistake....I'd have to say that would be impossible. Everyone makes mistakes. Whether its in college..high school...or when you're 40-years-old. It happens. WE learn from them. Apologize from them and MOVE ON FROM THEM. Its what you choose to do afterwards that determines that. However, tho my junior year was a difficult one, I don't regret any of it. I joined a great group and organization and met some of the very best people of my life. I saw college in a different perspective and some people are upset with me for that. I'm sorry....but tooo bad. Yes, I, again, will admit I've made bad choices...drinking....sex...etc. But those are things I've learned from. The true adult...the true person who grows into a great indidual is one who admits their faults and MOVES ON. Holding grudges or worrying about every one of their next steps...will only hold someone back. I moved on. It was hard and it affected me deeply. I still think people are so wrapped up in their narrow perspective about what THEY THINK HAPPENED. You don't know. You don't know about the endless nights of tears or the times I was afraid for the next day to approach. My body and soul was dimished and sooner or later...the reflection I saw in the mirror...wasn't my own. But I realized my faults...realized what I was doing was unhealthy and ended the one major pain that was causing it. Thats something to be commended for, damn it! Probably everyone in their lifetime has been in an abusive relationship, whatever form it takes on. We all want to stay...know we shouldn't...and make dreadful sacrifices for it. Those who choose to preach to others about how wrong it is...should look in their own past and remember those days they were in the same spot. Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones... I guess the true test is knowing myself...inside myself...that I've done better for my life. I've met and joined things that have furthered me in some way. And altho I can look back in disgust at some things I've seen, said, done or been treated....it won't do me any good. If I choose to live in regret and in the past...I'm doing myself a disservice and I won't do that. I WON'T. I can't change time. I can't move the clocks back. But I can say what I have to say...and if people hear me...then those are the people I'm going to stick with. If people blame me...then those are the people I want nothing to do with. I just think its funny when people sit and "preach" when they too were there once. For so many years I've walked on eggshells not to offend, or upset people. And guess where it got me? A low self-esteem, a sense of defeat, and never letting my feelings release till they were bottled up so much that i exploded unhealthy. I refuse to do that again. I WON'T! Yeah, there are times I can offend people or make them upset...but do you think I'd just fly off the handle for nothing? Don't you think theres a reason someone gets upset at someone else? Do you think I run around writing nasty notes or cursing at anyone who walks by or pushing away just any Joe Smoe? No I don't. I know I don't...and the friends who've stuck with me know that! I can't please anyone. But god strike me down if I can't at least please myself. If thats too much for you to accept, then walk away. The doors open for the people who care enough to stick through the mud and the rain... What side are you on? Current Mood: aggravated
Monday, June 24th, 2002
1:57 pm	3 strikes....you're out? Well, even tho most of you have heard of this new information, I'm still going to write it in LJ only so years from now I can look back and realize just what a big loser I am...oops...too late. ------------------ Well, I found our 3 important traits to hot, sexy, divine security boy. However these three clues aren't exactly ones that I'm most excited about. In fact, it may very well be a sign that this is someone I SHOULD NOT pursue any further. So here goes: 1.) His first name is Mike (now if you know me, this is not a good name for me) 2.) He's age 20 going on 21 (now this isn't so bad but I'm used to dating older men and if they're immature..I can only imagine what a 20-year-old would be 3.) He's just getting outta a relationship but he's looking for someone new (I don't wanna be a rebound person, nor do I wanna get in the middle of a psychotic ex trying to win her prince charming back) So, there you have it....write there in black and white. I'm not quite sure how to feel about this cause even tho I have this torch burning for this hot security dude....tonite....I'm attending a SkyChiefs baseball game with Far-ter. Now I don't want it to seem like I'm "cheating" or playing around on him cause I'm not sure what it is exactly that we have. Its not a relationship...its sort of a friendship...but I have no idea of his intentions and I'm sure he has no clue of mine. So, who knows. But sorry, I'm not going to wait on the sidelines for something to spark b/w us, especially when we've dated in the past and fireworks weren't going off then either. At this point in my life...I can't settle for "good enough"....its only fair to settle for the best I can get (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 19th, 2002
10:40 pm	The investigation has begun.... What investigation you ask? Oh...I will tell...boy will I. Today, as my supervisor was running through some things with me in the "booth" (booth of hell I'd like to call it), I asked her just outta the blue if she happened to know ALL of the security guards that work in the mall. She answered that she generally kenw everyone except a few new people. Well I remarked how I was curious about a particular someone. She was so cute...she was talking all funny, saying she'll dig and find out whatever I want to know...phone number...address....social security number. (just joking) But I described what he looked like and he actually happened to walk by just at that moment. So to make a long story short (too late), my supervisor said she'd find out for me altho she still hadn't seen what he looked like. So....after she left I majorly had to pee so I closed up everything and headed to the restrooms which are right next to the mall office. As I walked through the food court....THERE HE WAS...eating with a friend. So, putting aside my peeing emergency...I ran into mall office and told her he was sitting right in front of the Mcdonalds. She peeked out...like it was all a "stake out" thing and saw him. She said she'd get right on things, now that she knew what he looked like. All I said I wanted was his name...age...and possibly his "status" (single or taken). So, kiddies...keep your fingers crossed and maybe, just maybe Lisa'll get lucky. I'm sure he's as dumb as a box of rocks...but boy is he a hottie!!! KEEP YOU ALL POSTED. Current Mood: heart pounding...sweaty..horny (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 18th, 2002
8:54 pm	LIVE JOURNAL NEGLECT Yes, I have abandoned you my sweet, sweet thing. Now, of all things, my phone isn't working in my room or the jack that its connected to so I can't connect to the internet just yet. So I find myself inside the campus lab, reminding myself that I used to be a student here...now only an alumni. ---------------------- Fathers day was nice. I got my dad a cookie cake with a fisherman on it. He loves to fish. Practically the theme of his gifts were either fisherman stuff or guitars. (cause he loves those too). I also gave my brother the surprise of the New York game casue I couldnt' hold it in any longer and my dad gave permission (seeing how it was HIS day) and gave it to him a week early. This weekend I'm supposed to go home and celebrate his b-day but I just couldn't hold it in any longer. I WAS GOING TO BURST!!!!!! Got my grades. OH MY GOD...A FREAKIN 3.24. I've never done that good...EVER! Yeah, that horrid chem I was so afraid of.....C+. Mutha! I was totally surprised and my luck he probably will find out he mixed my grades with someone who actually knows chemistry but who cares. Its done...its passed...and I passed. All is well with the world... I finished my MONICA LEWINSKY NOVEL. I told a friend over the phone tonite how I should have a book club like Oprah does. I will post a present book I'm reading and give you highlights and whether or not you should read it. Overall, I did enjoy this book. And sometimes we shouldn't be so judgemental when we hear things on the news or read about them in the paper. The Clinton/Lewinsky scandal shocked the nation and probably the world. However, its harder for those people involved and their families than the embarassment of a nation whose president smoked an exceptionally different kind of cigar. Just reading how Monica and her family was treated. How they put them all through hell thinking every living soul she had come in contact with knew something about the Clinton stuff...BUT THEY DIDNT'. She let some people in on it...one who freakin betrayed her...the bitch....and her mother. THAT WAS IT PRETTY MUCH. Yet things from her past....relationships...her parents divorce....things with NO MERIT WHATSOEVER came into play and ruined their lives. Its really hard to imagine. And who knows what grief Chelsea played in all this...having a father whose not only comitted adultry once...but more than once. So read it all folks! Its a good thing where you know the truth is told. Its not a ploy to make money or use hollywood in a scam..its real and it shows. Gotta jet kids. Work still sucks. I feel I'm plummating on the "likeable" scale. I'm starting to mess up things and I hope they'll give me a break cause I've never caused problems there before. I just really want a job!!! MINGYA Current Mood: heading to movie with corn gal (Comment on this)
Friday, June 14th, 2002
1:00 am	YYYYAAAAAHHHHHOOOOOOO!!!! Yeah, so I'm alittle excited. Tonite I made the final reservations for me and my bro to see a Mets and Dodgers game at Shea stadium in August. I have always been a Mets fan, altho more as of late, and I have never ventured to Shea Stadium in NYC before. So I'm psyched about that. But most importantly cause I'll finally see MIKE PIAZZA. Ahh...such a dream. Now if he were walking around the mall as a security guard, I'd definately have to hose myself down in that fountain they have. Ha! My bro don't know it yet cause I'm giving it to him as b-day gift. Its through a bus tour company so I don't have to worry about driving and such cause if you know me...I GET LOST JUST WALKING OUTSIDE!!! But its also exciting cause its like a present to myself, too. Its some place I've wanted to go and see. Plus it gives me somethign to look forward to at the end of the summer. Hopefully by then I'll have a steady job and new place to live..... ahh...if only to dream.... (1 Comment |Comment on this)